Humorous column imagines unconventional candidates for European Commission roles
Politico's satirical column proposes a radical overhaul of EU top job appointments, suggesting Arnold Schwarzenegger, a Ghanaian spiritualist, and Shakira as ideal commissioners.
In its weekly humor column “Declassified,” Politico Europe mocks the current selection process for the European Commission. The author argues for abandoning the quota system of one commissioner per member state and instead hiring the best person for the job, even if they come from outside Europe.
For the next Commission president, the column suggests former UK Ambassador to Washington Peter Mandelson, citing his knowledge of the US and connections. If that is too soon after Brexit, another candidate is bodybuilder-turned-actor-turned-governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. He has political experience, speaks multiple EU languages, considers Donald Trump a fool, and could physically overpower opponents – hard power over soft power.
For health commissioner, two strong contenders are proposed. The first is Ghanaian spiritualist Nana Kwaku Bonsam, who calls himself “the most powerful spiritualist in the whole world.” He claims to have “cursed” England captain Harry Kane before the Ghana-England World Cup match, resulting in a goalless draw. He also allegedly caused Cristiano Ronaldo’s knee injury in 2014. The author imagines him cursing Vladimir Putin or running mass vaccination programs. The rival is controversial French physician Didier Raoult, who met President Macron early in the pandemic and promoted an antimalarial drug as a COVID-19 treatment.
For foreign policy chief, Shakira is the ideal pick: multilingual, internationally respected, experienced in global advocacy, and with hips that don’t lie, essential for diplomacy. The column notes that not every commissioner need be a celebrity – EU treaties require Maroš Šefčovič to remain a commissioner until the end of days.
