Le Pen and Farage star in this summer’s must-see blockbuster

In its weekly humor column 'Declassified', Politico Europe has unveiled the plot for a fictional summer blockbuster starring Nigel Farage and Marine Le Pen. The film, titled 'Hard Borders', is set in a dystopian Brussels that both protagonists desperately want to destroy.

The story follows Farage (played by Robert Downey Jr.) and Le Pen (played by Sydney Sweeney) as grizzled veteran cops on one last case. They are hunting the mysterious crypto billionaire Chad Coinman (Donald Trump), who has wreaked havoc on the international order. In the first draft, they arrest him, but to add realism, they later join his empire and do his bidding while he plays golf and interferes with the World Cup.

Le Pen is frustrated by having to wear an ankle monitor and is constantly accompanied by her young assistant Jordan Bardella (Timothée Chalamet), who has his own ambitions. Farage, angry about being asked about his finances and his dislike of the dinghy industry, resigns from the force, hoping for public support—but no one backs him, and everyone thinks he is a whiner.

Supporting characters include Ursula von der Leyen and António Costa (Margot Robbie and Pedro Pascal), who protect Brussels with a cache of weapons. Farage also faces homegrown enemies Andy Burnham (Liam Gallagher) and Keir Starmer (a potted plant), while Le Pen deals with Emmanuel Macron (playing himself).

The column ends by hinting at a sequel in 2027 titled 'Hard Borders 2: It’s Not So Easy When You Are No Longer On The Outside Throwing Stones But Actually Have To Govern, Is It?' and invites readers to submit captions for a photo of a protester.