Susanna Clarke on chronic illness and the limits of language: 'I felt like I was about to fall off the world'

Crisis and the inability to describe pain

In October 2016, Susanna Clarke was in hospital after 11 years of chronic fatigue syndrome. In the previous six weeks, she had been overtaken by a strange, sudden crisis – she could not eat, trembled violently, and was overwhelmed by dread. When a doctor asked how she felt, Clarke replied that she felt very ill but could not elaborate. She wanted to say, "I feel like I am about to fall off the world."

Limits of language and Virginia Woolf's insight

Clarke references Virginia Woolf's essay "On Being Ill," which states that language runs dry when trying to describe pain to a doctor. She emphasizes that illness reveals the limitation of words – our experience always exceeds the words we have to describe it.

Narrative as a healing tool

The writer recalls a woman in a discussion group who said she could not get better until she could tell herself a story about what had happened. Clarke notes that in chronic illness, where doctors are often at a loss, narrative becomes the only way to impose meaning and a sense of control.

Various narratives for her own illness

Clarke ironically offers several possible stories for her illness: a "revenge" narrative about book tours, a "zoological" narrative about Lyme disease, a "fairy tale" narrative about fairy revenge, and a "childhood adversity" narrative about being told she did not deserve success. She admits the last one pulls at her heart, reminding her of other talented women who died young.

The path to safety

Clarke discusses modern therapeutic approaches like pain reprocessing and polyvagal theory, which rely on narrative. The idea is that chronic illness may stem from a primitive part of the brain perceiving danger. That story – that the world is dangerous – can be countered by a different story: "You are safe." This is now her own narrative – the story of how she became ill and, perhaps, how she can retrace her steps back to safety.