Psychologist's Rules for Arguing in a Marriage Without Harming It

Conflict psychologist Yevgeniya Negovorova, quoted by the psychology publication Psychologies, argues that quarrels in marriage are not necessarily harmful and can help a relationship become stronger and happier. She has put together several recommendations for couples on how to express their thoughts and wishes to a partner so that disagreements do not wreck the relationship.

According to the expert, many people try to avoid arguments at any cost, fearing that conflict will destroy the relationship. Suppressed resentment, however, can sharpen disagreements even more, so the saying that a bad peace is better than a good quarrel can do harm.

Advice for couples

Focus on needs, not on analysing emotions. Discussing your own or your partner's feelings often just irritates. It is better to note the emotion and name the need, for example, instead of "I am so angry at him", say "I am angry, I need support and attention".

The right to refuse. The word "no" often seems taboo in relationships. The psychologist urges allowing both yourself and your partner to refuse, and not taking a refusal as an attack but as a chance to learn what the other really wants.

Ask more often. Categorical statements should be used less, and the partner should be invited more often to talk about their feelings.

Do not rush to text. Messaging on social networks easily causes misunderstandings, so before replying you should give yourself time to calm down and recall the good sides of the relationship.

Respect without full agreement. Respect does not mean opinions must match; it is important to hear the other's arguments and jointly choose the most suitable solution.

No go-betweens. If a husband does not get along with his wife's mother, the wife should not take responsibility for their relationship or become a mediator, though she may listen to and support each of them.

Tasks instead of problems. Problems are best treated as tasks to be solved, asking yourself how to find a way out. According to the psychologist, this reduces anxiety and frees one from the hope that a partner will fully change. She urges looking for solutions that suit both people under current circumstances.